I am an incredibly self-conscious person.
On my worst nights my mind is an Oscars “for your consideration” reel of all my nominees for cringiest moments with a female lead. No one but me thinks about the time in first grade that I peed myself in class and tried to pass it off as the class clown pouring water on my seat as a prank. The circumstances surrounding my first kiss with a cute French boy one summer lives rent-free in my head1 - whether it’s the moment he gently suggested I brush my hair away from my mouth while engaging in the act (cringe!), or when he got kicked out of the program for smoking cigarettes and I cried as though we were SOMETHING (cringe!), to the moment weeks after when I told my cousin about the whole experience and she found him on Facebook and friended him (CRINGE!2).
You’d think as someone who sang in an acapella group for years that as an adult I would have gotten rid of the shame that dominates so many of my actions. You’d be wrong. I’m embarrassed by everything, and the social isolation of the pandemic has only made it worse. I can have a lovely dinner with close friend and spend the entire next morning replaying the whole thing in my head, foraging for embarrassing little nuggets like a truffle sniffing pig. “Am I a try hard?” I ask myself. I think I might be. Do people laugh at me for that?
I know this isn’t a rational feeling. I’ve managed to keep the hair out of my mouth long enough to sustain a long-term relationship. I have friends that are so smart and funny and beautiful that I can’t imagine they would associate with me if I couldn’t keep up, lest I dull their luster by association. I have twice in my life had strangers tell me I come across as someone important (?!?). I don’t think I code as insecure. And yet the fear of embarrassment, not failure or difficulty but embarrassment, is one of the most consistent driving forces in my life.
Since little, I’ve been the person who always has a project, often centered around food or writing or some combination of the two. I get a manic high from researching the idea and launching the project, only for it gradually fizzle out when life gets in the way, I lose interest, or it becomes clear the target audience isn’t interested. The initial disappointment doesn’t last long, but the lingering feeling that maybe even trying in the first place is embarrassing - that always stays with me.
So here I am again, this time with a newsletter. I have already asked the aforementioned lovely friends if doing this is cringe. They assured me it isn’t but of course they are going to say that because they are also incredibly supportive. I guess any girl whose formative years were in the early aughts at a Catholic school would have deeply internalized fear of being accused of attention seeking behavior. But sometimes it just feels good to scream “I’M HERE AND I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY THAT I THINK SOMEONE OUT THERE MIGHT FIND INTERESTING EVEN IF YOU MIGHT NOT THINK SO SO DAMNIT I’M GOING TO SAY IT ANYWAY.” Even if it’s just screaming into a void. Maybe its better that way - it’s less embarrassing.
Recipe of the Month - Baci di Rana
Baci di dama is an adorable traditional Italian cookie with two tiny buttery hazelnut rounds fused together by a thin layer of chocolate. The name translates to “Woman’s kiss” because the two cookies look like a woman’s lips, which I guess checks out when you’re the home country of Donatella Versace. They are the inspiration for my Baci di Rana, a thin layer of lemon-scented white chocolate sandwiched between two green pistachio cookies. Baci di rana translates to frog kisses, an ode to both the color of the cookie and my years as a single woman. Makes about 30 cookies.
3/4 cup roasted salted pistachio kernels
2/3 cup of all-purpose flour
1/4 cup of sugar
pinch of salt
6 tablespoons of butter, cold, divided into tablespoons
2 oz white chocolate, chopped
Zest of 1 lemon
Line 2 baking sheets with parchment paper. In a food processor, mix pistachios, flour, sugar and salt until ground fine (about 30 seconds). Add the butter and pulse until it mostly comes together (If you want to add green food color here for extra visual oomph, I won’t tell). Remove dough from processor and knead until it all comes together into a smooth mass. Take dough, one teaspoon at a time, and roll in your hand until it forms a smooth ball. Place on the prepared baking sheets. Refrigerate the sheets for at least 30 minutes.
While the dough refrigerates, preheat oven to 325. Bake, one sheet at a time, for about 20-25 minutes, until very fragrant and just starting to brown, rotating halfway through baking. Cool sheets on a rack. NOTE: The cookies will be very crumbly while hot. It’s important to let them cool completely before trying to remove them from the sheets.
Once cookies are cool, put white chocolate in a microwave-safe bowl and melt in 15 second increments, strirring between each interval. Once melted, add two large pinches of the lemon zest. Using a small spoon or pastry bag, spread a small amount of the white chocolate mixure onto the flat side of a cookie, then add another cookie ontop, pressing slightly to “glue” them togther. Repeat with the rest of the cookies and let chocolate harden (about 20 minutes). Cookies can be stored airtight for about a week.
Some kitchen hits and misses
In the February issue of Bon Appetit, there was a feature by Alex Beggs with recipes by Roxana Jullapat from her upcoming book Mother Grains: Recipes for the Grain Revolution. I for one am much looking forward to this grain revolution, as it’s finally a cause I can get behind. I’ve so far made the Chocolate Buckwheat Cake, blueberry muffins with spelt flour, and the cornmeal ricotta poundcake. All three recipes were good, but the poundcake in particular was excellent toasted with a slather of jam or citrusy curd. Highly endorse this recipe. You can also preorder her book here.
This wheat berry salad is pretty riffable and makes enough to be your lunch for a week. I swapped the wheat berries for bulgur and reduced the dressing by half.
At the suggestion of my cousin (not the one who embarrassed me on Facebook) I’ve been cooking through Bryan Ford’s New World Sourdough for a couple months now. It’s definitely been a fun challenge, as I don’t have a lot of experience making bread generally. Even the fails lend themselves to useful lessons. That being said, the last couple of recipes of been fails for me. I’ve tried my hand twice at the olive oil loaf and once at the Coco Rugbrod. The former have turned out gummy and dense, the latter too dry to even attempt to bake. The adventure continues…
Recommendations
I know its getting a lot of hype, but please do yourself a favor and check out Minari. It’s a moving movie about a Korean-American family that moves from California to Arkansas to start a farm and try their luck at the American Dream. Tons has already written about how good the acting is all around, but I might set something on fire if Yuh-jung Youn, who plays such a good part as the grandmother, doesn’t get nominated for an Oscar. There’s a lot of subtle little stories told through food throughout the film that any first-generationer will find very endearing.
What if the Covid vaccine is filled with spicy sriracha sauce?
Thanks for reading!
I know the use of this phrase will probably be embarrassing a year from now… or maybe a month from now.
Maria, if you’re reading this, I still haven’t forgiven you for that one.